Depression: love, care, trust and (self)help is the best medicine- part 2

Early morning scene was the same everyday I would be the first get out of bed get fresh and head into kitchen my husband would wake up later get ready to work. While I made his favourite breakfast today hoping he would at least give into bothering about me. When he came down to have breakfast I served him and looked at him hoping he might ask what was it about, rather he was busy with his phone and didn’t look at me, and still I waited. Once done with his breakfast he got up to leave I gave him the list of items I wanted him to pick for weekend, he nodded, walked to the room picked his bag wore his shoes and about to leave. As usual I had packed his lunch and stood at door, today instead of handing over his lunch box I held it for while he looked at me only then I asked if he can get some ice-cream in the evening I really wanted to have some, he stared at me and just nodded.

The thought of cream had me through the day, when he came home evening handed over the bag and picked up the little one. She was happy at his arrival and both started to talk about how she enjoyed her day. While I was in hurry to look at my treat opened the bag to find carrots, cucumbers, lettuce, basil, apples and finally a set of six beer bottles. I put them all out to find nothing else in the bag, carrying the bag I walked up to him and asked why he didn’t get the ice-cream. He had this wired look on his face and then answered “I forgot, also it is not good considering this climate leave it” he said.

With a heavy heart I did all my work put the little one to sleep and I went to bed empty stomach not wanting to eat. But I cried to myself all night wondering why is it am not able to get something small to make me happy while I everything possible to keep my husband and the kid happy. I didn't know when I slept that night, but the next morning I could see how much I had cried at night. Pillow felt like had been dipped in a bucket of water, my hair was damp scattered, face flushed out, head ached very badly and my eyes were red burning and hurting. I could not push myself out of bed every part of my body hurt and I cried again and this time it was the pain my body gave me but I had to get out and go on with my routine work.

This was not the story of a day, but it became my routine. The nights that i loved to spend with peace turned horrible and painful. Initially it was the only the sunrise that made my life miserable, now even night did not let me live at peace. When something hurts the most, you break even from inside. You lose all the strength that you gathered entire lifetime to stand up for all the battles you faced. It breaks every inch of courage you had to stand up for your rights. Now you do not have choice, but to live with it. When this happened to me I knew not what to do.

With the same pain I pushed through days and nights, it seemed to never end and I wanted it to end and relieve me from the pain. It is now that the pain started to take its actual form and then lightning struck me, if you don’t have a solution either live with the problem and end the cause of the problem. And I really thought I was the problem and I wanted to end it.

I was scared more than ever in my life but I need to solve the problem, the solution was suicide.

Yes this seemed strange but I tried to find possible options to commit suicide I didn’t have enough courage to kill myself and the urge to live be alive but the struggle I was going through pained me more than ever. On the Monday morning after my husband left to work I fed the kid bathed her and put her to sleep. This was the time when I did most of the cleaning at home and on that day I somehow found the bag which had the medicines packed in. I opened to find that we had a huge stock in there and most of them were expired. I did separate them, put the ones which were consumable into the medicine box in cupboard and then I sat in front of the pile of medicines wondering what next. Some strange thought told me that these were the solution to my problems. I went to the kitchen picked up 2 bottles of water a plate and came into the room.

I sat on the floor and started peeling off the tablets from the sheets and put them on the plate, every tablet I tore open from the sheet caused rise in my heart beat. The temperature was -5degree and I sat sweating looking at the 30 tablets I put on the plate. I had a big lump in my treat, I could not breath so I just got up picked up the sheets from which I tore open those tablets and put them in the trash can. I stood in front of the window looking out to find a reason not to give into the temptation of swallowing all those tablets. I stood for more an hour but didn’t find any reason at all, while my foot hurt. I came and sat down next to the plate opened the water bottle and took a gulp of water and put the bottle down and froze with shock. There she sat in front of the same plate opposite to me looking down wondering what those tablets were. She had already picked up one and was about to put it into her mouth and that was when I had put down the bottle. The look on my face must have been terrible, I could say so she cried and threw the tablet back into the plate. I pulled her close to me and told her it is going to be fine, and those were not consumable they were poisonous. The look on my face was only that I worried if at all she took one of them she might end up in hospital. She kissed me and said no mamma I won’t put anything into my mouth without asking you, I kissed her back and cried while she wiped off my tears and kissed again.

I wondered why all this while I didn’t see the reason to not commit suicide was her, my reason to live was her, my strength to stand up was her. I took the plate threw the medicines in the same trash can and drank few more sips of the water. I did not do anything else remaining part of that day except for playing with her.

This is not the end, but wait for the next part when you see how it all ends.

P.S; Not everyone with depression had a chance to come out of it, it is important for family and friends to notice the changes and help the person. 


This is personal experience of a friend of mine, however we chose not to disclose her name for her personal reasons.